Fasting MONDAY after stone soup Sunday

I need to write about my son, but first want to ease my mind with something mundane, as getting onto this subject scares me. Which is why I am writing an anonymous blog, because I don't want a paper journal landing in anyone's hands someday by fate or accident. At least if anyone reads this here, it's nothing anyone can point at me. I can be honest and sincere and look at my feelings. Why publish online? Because I took enough time to write and decorate this thrown together journal, I am worth possibly geing looked at and considered by another person that may gain some sort of insight by seeing my world. I know that whenever I read something or come across a piece of work I consider it a sign from our Creator to pay attention to something which may help me.

All day yesterday was an inside day. I only left the house once thinking I would buy myself a bottle of wine at the liquor store down the road. I was feeling blue, am on my time of the month (started early) and all my cigarettes were left on a bench in the afternoon rain storm. I barely smoke anymore and my brother is attemting to dry those out for today and see if he can smoke them. By the time I got to the drive at the store I remembered no liquor stores in my town are open Sundays. That's okay I need the wine more today after all...

I didn't exactly fast yesterday. I fried some potatoes for a brunch and in the evening I boiled a bag of dried chilli. with cheddar cheese and texas toast I was ok with the amount of food I had. I am still at the unbalanced weight of wanting to lose the same ten pounds that will not stay gone.

So, my son is enormous. He turned nineteen in March. His dad mostly raised him, as they insisted after a divorce that it was what my son wanted and to get him back to the agreed papers where I had him primary, I would have had to take him back to court or press charges and maybe I should have, but I allowed the time with my son to grow less over time and he spent more with his dad. I will not write that entire story here. I will write that over the years his dad would drop him off at my door and he would be out of sorts or on drugs and I spent years taking him to the Doctor and hospitals and getting him on medications. even enrolled him to College when he earned a football scholarship. When the semester did not work out and going back to his dad's did not work out I took him home to be with me.

I geared my heart to prepare to pour time into him that I had missed, looking forward to the next years as therapy. I had to go to work and often was not home, but he had my Mom and brother to talk to when I was away, plus he was 19. I gave him space to look for a job and assured him there was no rush to wait be patient for the summer when I had more time to help him look at options. In the meantime it was up to him to find ways to occupy his own time. We went around town together and talked a lot...then his brother moved in as well. His older brother is 23 and he also was kicked out of his dad's house at 18. Both of them were kicked out when they turned 18. I tried the courts and Doctors and everything but was unable to keep them completely away from a very abusive dad...never could prove anything and I don't know if after the divorce how their dad was wiith those boys because I was not there to protect them anymore. We were divorced nad he was remarried. I never can know how my boys were raised in my adsence during their dad's time with them, but I have always been here in their lives as their mother. I can say they admitted to me that their dad used to tell them I didn;t love them and abandoned them, even though that is a complete lie and the boys saw me all the time, but always said they wanted to stay the night at their dad's. I even believed I was being the greatger person to allow them to not have to stay the night back and forth between two homes. I never remarried and they had a new baby sister and were a little family at their dad's. I hoped and believed their father had recovered from his anger issues and that they were content. But the entire time I later found out I was being demonized verbally on a daily basis. How exhausting for them! I never knew it and carried on with my life without a fragment of their dad I never spoke to him, only their step mom. I saw my sons all the time, but they were so young I could not tell how much they ahd been brainwashed against me until they became young men and both tried to live with me after their dad kicked them out of their home.

My sons were violent and verbally abusive and big and strong men! One was violent to his young pregnant wife. Both were violent to me and cussed me all the time. I was astonished as I watched them break things just like their dad had done. When my family's reaction was aghast and they said they could not live on the property anymore, I explained their dad in the past had behaved even worse in front of them and I tried to tell everybodt but did not get as extensive help as I should have. I didn't know what elese to do or where to turn. I had gone to the women's shelter with them and managed to keep a restrainging orde ron their dad for a year at the beginning...long story I didn't want to say and am sick of playing in my head. This documentation is the final time I will tell it even though it is a shortened version. Over the years I have sent my children to attorneys to talk and doctors and councelors and provided chances to get help but the kids never said enough about their dad for him to ever be held accountable...I had to turn my sons away in the long run. Their dad used to tell me when we were married that he would make my sons hate me if I ever left him.

There are many ways to abuse somebody that can not be proven. People are allowed to have children and give birth when they should not be having children. I was 16 and should have given my son for adoption. However, I chose to have 3 children with an abusive man. My mind was unwell when I got married at 16 years old. I had just turned 16 when I found out I was pregnant and had been having sex since I was 15 years with the dad, who was 21.

After my sons found themselves homeless and literally on the street, the oldest had overdosed on drugs and gone to the hospital; the family had tried to welcome him to live on my grandma's property but he would go into rages and after he left here went to the hospital again from drugs. We found the program and they received both my sons to their community to help get them off drugs and surround them with Holy Spirit filled men. The oldest moved to another State location and my youngest son was going to work his way there in the long run.

Today I received phone calls from an officer and the program director explaining my youngest son was told to leave the premise after he punched a staff member twice. He had stopped bathing and quit participating with the requirements after his brother relocated. The officer told him to find a way to join the millitary and my son was released since nobody pressed charges. Now he is on his own, and I don't know who will see him first or what will happen to him. He is a free man right now walking homeless because of his violent temper but since he is only just now an adult, he has to find how to take care of himself...but he is young and I have tried every resource I know to try and he can not live with me because I am afraid he will get violent like his dad used to be. Now here his dad never had to pay the price for any of the violent rages he had and I heard from his own family my children's dad used to choke his own sister! and he used to be more violent to us than my sons are now, but nobody knew and when I tried to tell the world and get legal help everything I would do disentegrated even when I tried constantly. I am deluged with the darkest feelings I have ver had in my life. I do not even know how to name this new emotion I feel when I pray for my sons. Attorney and councelors and police officers and my boss and my family and doctors have all said that I have done all I can and now it is time to let my son figure out how to survive. He belongs to GOD

I MISS MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't and don't want to check him into an institution somewhere but he is not crazy and I don't believe that tethering a man is the way to cure him because he is not crazy but confused and too mean to me to live here while I try to keep taking him to find medication for him. IS THERE A PILL FOR BEING MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER ??

Understand he is mean on purpose and what he says is so spiteful and disrespectful my brother may step in one day to defend me and my six foot 4 son could hurt him. He is just being a bully but his size makes him a threat but my son has not been in the world on his own yet and I don't know that he will make it in the world the way his dad has raised him. The way we were tricked out of his time with me when he was younger scares me now because I used to think he was doing ok and happy but now that I see the end result I fear what might have happened in times I could not protect him.

It has been 13 years since I was married, and lookingback I can not believe what I minimalized, always playing everything down, and my own children were told I exagerated what I said happenned. I was not heard and nobody listened long enough or helped me follow through until I was older and wiser and understood enough and knew enough people to build a team and I was finally able to talk to my family and they saw when I returned to speak to them. Years after the divorce, about 6 total I had quit speaking to my family also and so mostly nobody understood how the control slipped away from me again to their dad. I don't know what went on under his roof entirely but the fragments they told I tried to get help about. I would always ask them everytime I saw them if their dad spanked them or laid a hand on them and they always said no they were fine. So I have no idea if they were covering...my own fear that I trusted their dad had learned his lesson after the divorce is evaporated now I am terrorized in my head about how my sons turned out to be so hateful.

SO THIS IS HOW SOMEONE BECOMES HOMELESS

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